To my faithful readers…all 12 of you, This blog which was originally created as a way for you to all see how wonderful and fabulous my life is out here in Colorado is. I know it hasn’t been updated in a while, and I’ll be honest and say the main reason is because I’m a lazy bum who loves starting projects but fails miserably in finishing them…the other reason is a bit more dramatic and sympathy inducing…my dad died.
(And now I’ll begin to write in uncharted territories…I’ll write about my emotions…something I usually tend not to want to discuss. Maybe I’m brave, maybe I’m crazy, maybe that third glass of chardonnay has kicked in and I’ll regret this in the morning…either way, here it is.)
Even as I write those words the tears fill my eyes. Most of you who read this know that I am a sensitive but not overly emotional person. I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings and honestly am terrible at accepting the sympathy of others. I’ve found through this whole process of death how emotional I actually am.
I’m certain this sudden surge of sadness is no new leaf I’m turning in the book of my life but more a reflection of the intense loss I feel.
For those of you that were lucky enough to know my dad you know what a personality he was. He was kind, funny, inappropriate and immensely giving.
I’m writing about this now because I find myself sitting sometimes, mainly at night, and googling “the death of a father”, or “how to deal with loosing a dad”… I guess I’m writing this so that if late one night a sad, inconsolable young girl googles those same phrases she might stumble upon this lame blog and find some solace. She won’t find solace in the light at the end of the tunnel (because I can’t see that light yet)…but at least she will see that she’s not alone in her suffering.
When dad died I was very fortunate to have people around me who cared. My friends who came from far away and just sat and filled a chair and listened to me be a hot doped up mess.
Dad’s death was sudden, by some weird miracle I was able to see and talk and hug and kiss him the night before he passed. I think this happened because the powers that be knew what an even hotter mess I would have been without it.
There is one sentence that I keep repeating over and over in my head but have the most difficulty saying and even typing…it’s the ringing in my ears and the eternal echo in my heart (I’m not a poet…but its true). The fact is through this entire process and clusterfuck of emotions the one sentiment that remains constant is simple and pure…I just really really miss my dad.
They say writing is cathartic and I believe that. I started a journal pretty soon after he died and wrote in it every time I felt I was going to have a meltdown. Writing what I was feeling and recounting on paper those last hours I spent with him calmed me. I stopped writing pretty soon after I got back and am still unable to read that journal.
I know that one of the ways in which I’ve been able to successfully continue on with my day to day activities is the fact that I haven’t been present back home. I’ve made Denver my home and while I know he’s gone, there are days that pass where it just feels like I’m here at school and hes back home sitting in the recliner watching Jeopardy and drinking his orange juice. I realize that this “avoidance” is unhealthy…but don’t worry…I’m dealing, all I’m saying is this makes life easier.
I realize for the people I care most about it seems as though I’m running away…and in a sense I do. Its just so difficult to be around those people and talk to them about the man we all loved. I was watching Oprah one day after he died…(yes, Oprah…she’s a genius) and there was a man on there who had gone through a horrendous tragedy loosing all of his immediate family. He made a point that allowed me to be more sympathetic to those who love me most. He said (loosely quoted) “when a child looses a parent they are an orphan, when a husband looses and wife he is a widow and when a wife looses a husband she is a widower…but there are no words to describe losing a child”. If you think about this its true. I was having a difficult time accepting others grief especially my grandparents but through that (and Oprah) I truly saw that I’m not the only one in pain or the only one who lost someone they cared for deeply.
I know you all must be wondering…why the hell is she spilling her guts on the porn themed named website? Well kids…and adults…its so you’ll know that I am okay…you’ll also know that I’m not okay. Since I’ve found that I don’t talk about nor want to discuss most of what I’m writing here with anyone this is a way you can still know how I feel. Lets call it the US Weekly of Katie’s soul.
Its been several months now and the cards have stopped and the creepy sympathy laced looks have faded…people are moving on with their lives but I feel as though I’m still swimming in the thoughts of an entire lifetime of memories. Its hard to suppress those…and I’m sure I wouldn’t even if I could.
I miss my dad calling me just to see what I was doing or to tell me about this awesome shot made at some sporting event that I could of cared less about. I miss lying and saying I was doing homework when really I was just watching tv so I could get off the phone (I also immensely regret those calls), I miss calling him early in the morning to bring me breakfast, I miss having any sports trivia question thrown at me and knowing the one person in the world that would know the answer. Mainly…I just miss my dad. I am not a live in regret kind of person, and do not have many…I only wish I had appreciated the time spent with him more often and just think its unfortunate that my true appreciation for all of his quirkiness came after he left this world. I hope wherever life takes us after death my dad is there, and he is able to at least feel the love I have for him and although it may not of been said enough how much I loved him.
Life has a funny way or working out and I’m still waiting on my solution. Until that day comes, I’ll try to continue to blog but am confident this will be the last post I get uber personal. I also doubt it will stay up here forever. I may be cowardly and delete it.
As to life here in CO...
Its lovely, the people are fantastic. I now have two dogs…I took one of dad’s dogs Gabby. She is 13 and a handful…but what can you do. She is up for adoption if I have any takers.
This past Saturday I went to take some images at sunrise of a very famous place in CO Springs called the Garden of the Gods…google it.
I’m going to China in June, which I’m stoked about. (Yes, I say stoked now…I’m west coast)
I’m also hoping to visit Norway for another school trip in August before the new semester starts.
I hope this updates you on my head and my heart.
The offer is also open to come visit if any of you would ever like. I promise I wont cry…unless I’ve had a bottle of wine.
Love to you all,
Katie
